Art and Life

"Alice," 2010 by Lea Keohane. All Rights Reserved.

Occasionally I feel like being an artist is Too Hard; I feel anxious wondering if what I'm doing is really worthwhile or just selfish; I fear that I'm not good enough to make it. Those are moments I've struggled with all my life, in between bouts of confidence in Who I Am and What I Do. Moments that rear their ugly heads and pop my daydreamy bubbles of All That Could Possibly Be.

I know those moments of self-doubt are perfectly natural (albeit incredibly annoying). They are little tests, poking me with reality checks. Sure, they make me second guess myself at times, but all of that second guessing can either scare you away from your dreams--if you let it--or bring you even closer by helping to focus your energy on what you REALLY want.

It has been 8 years now since I graduated from college, a soon-to-be single mom bullheadedly determined to find her way to being an Artist. I've come a long, long way in 8 years. I recently found an old portfolio that I brought around to shops to try and sell my work and...wow. My work was immature, the photos were bad and the prints of them were even worse. I had no idea what I was doing, but I was determined enough to do it anyway. And you know what? It has paid off. I have been working for myself for over 5 years now, my art has seriously improved and I'm selling more of it all the time, and I am moving steadily closer and closer to being a full-time artist every day.

Lately I've been more focused than ever, feeling like I am on the brink of something important. I'm clearing out my life and making room for all of those daydreamy bubbles to come into existence--self-doubt be damned. I don't know what it all is or what it all means, but I want to share it. I owe a debt to everyone who has helped me on my way, and I would like to pay it forward in my own little way by writing about my experiences as I move into the next phase of my art and my life in the hopes that it will help you with yours.

Busy busy

"Euphoria," 2009 by Lea Keohane. All Rights Reserved.

No excuses here, but normally I like to blog fairly regularly. The past week or so has just been to overwhelming for me to think about it, though. Some of it is really good, some is really bad, all of it adds to the busy-ness. Some times things just pile on and this is one of those times. So I haven't blogged, I've barely answered emails, and I've even laid off of twitter for a few days! In case you have been sitting around, waiting for my next entry, here's what has been going on:

First, I got a huge custom order in the middle of last week. Hooray! Hap-hap-happy dance!

Then, I found out a good friend of mine has stage 3 cancer. I spent a few hours with her when she told me, and now we're working on a project taking some photos before she goes through treatment.

The day after that, my phone fell out of my pocket and was promptly stolen.

Saturday, Rich and I got in his car to go replace my phone and his car wouldn't start. We went to my car, and when I put my key in the door it just spun around and around. So I can't lock my car anymore (which is fine, nothing valuable anyway, but now I have a big piece of red tape over the lock so I don't do it on accident and lock myself out!).

Got a new phone--yay! Then one of the cv joints went out in my car. Got that fixed while I spent a couple of hours volunteering in my daughter's classroom.

Yes, this is all within the past 7 days. I think now I will go take a nap.

What a week!

Wow, I made it through one of the most intense weeks I've had in a looong time, and I am still all in one piece, and pretty happy! I can't believe I just got back from Denver only one week ago.

My show on First Thursday at the Show & Tell Gallery went really well (pardon my shiny face in the picture--it was SO hot!). It turns out all of the craft shows really HAVE helped me relax about talking about my work, plus I spent several hours re-working my artist statement so I had a good idea of what to say when people asked. There was some great spoken word from writers Luke Lefler and Christopher Luna, then during the last hour the band Hellpets played, drawing in a pretty huge crowd. We are going to hold a closing reception for my show at the end of the month, which I am really looking forward to.

Yesterday was the final PDX Etsy show of the year, and that turned out pretty well too. There was some construction on one of the streets leading out of the Park Blocks, which helped to drive a good portion of the Farmer's Market crowd up to our booths. There was also a great dj playing fantastic, upbeat music all day, which helped to lift everybody's mood and draw a bigger crowd. I had only gotten 3 or 4 hours of restless sleep the night before (my neighbors were having a huge party late into the night), so I was pretty wiped out, and started dozing in my chair! So I stood up and danced a little bit to keep myself going through the rest of the day. My sales weren't stunning, but I did manage to make more money than I have at any other craft shows that I've done all year!

The week was intense in other ways, too, some of it too personal to write about here. But getting back into the swing of things from Denver was a bit overwhelming. While I was there, I found out that my old friend Don Becker had passed away recently. On Monday after getting back, I got some coffee with my friend Katie, who moved here with me from Denver over a decade ago, and knew Don really well. Monday also happened to be the 4-year anniversary of the death of our good friend Zaq Rogers, who was killed in a hit-and-run accident. So Katie and I reminisced and shed a few tears at our favorite local coffee house.

But don't get the idea that I'm being a downer, things are good. I think everyone needs weeks like this sometimes, mixed with the intensely good and bad. It is exhausting at the end, but it is also a reminder of our strength, that life is good, and even when it's overwhelming it is certainly good to be here.

How to deal with LIFE when you work for yourself?

Self Portrait, by Lea Keohane, 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Yesterday I ate two cups of coffee, one fried egg and toast, some crackers, a couple of cocktails, and finally some french fries ('cus I had to, not because I wanted them really). No, it is not some new weird diet, it is called Break-Up Belly No Hungry. And it sucks.

Saturday night, Steve and I broke up after nearly 2 very good years. I do not want to go in to detail here--suffice it to say that we are both very good people and I'm sure we actually will continue to be friends. Probably really good friends once the pain wears off a bit.

I have been going back and forth about writing about this in my blog, but after all this blog is about me, and about working for myself and this is a big deal in my life. When I used to work in an office, when something bad would happen I would absolutely dread going in to work. But I went anyway and being around other people, and working on someone else's projects was distracting to some extent. It probably did help me take my mind off of things, especially in the long run, no matter how much I hated being there.

However, one of the biggest challenges that I have with being my own boss is this: My brain runs at 100 miles an hour most of the time, I have gazillions of ideas at a time, and I find it very hard to decide what I should be focusing on. I manage to make it happen somehow (lots of list writing, scribbling thoughts as they occur on random bits of paper, who knows what else!), but now I am extra-distracted. I don't feel like painting. I walked at least 6 miles yesterday and I don't want to do that today and journaling about it is no help right now either. I have an unreasonably long list and very little motivation.

Okay, so here's what I am going to do today:
*Pick 3 simple things from my list and just do them.
*Exercise. I don't feel like it, but I know it will help. Endorphins are a good thing.
*Take a lot of deep breaths so that I'm not a crazy woman when I go pick Indigo up from school today. I also have to figure out what exactly and how I am going to tell her.

That's not too bad, right?